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§215 My phone speech on my sister’s other wedding

August 22, 2008

They will call me any minute now. The speech is prepared. My sister who got married here in Israel in April is having a “make believe” wedding in Sweden at this very moment for the family over there. Everything is in English because her husband Tal and his parents are there too and they don’t speak Swedish (I just realised how silly it is to mention that the groom is at his own wedding. Oh, well). I will do the speech in Swedish and Hebrew instead. And then do a little song I wrote in English with some mixed words in Swedish and Hebrew here and there. I’m gonna make a total fool out of myself. When I sing I sound like a cross between a walruss and a goat, but I’m ok with that.
Come to think of it, I have no idea how many people are there and how many people will hear what I say. Oh well. This is for my sister. I have sent my parents the text of the song, so they will put it up in giant print as I sing it, so people will be able to follow. That’s good. Less pressure on me to annunciate! I should do that anyway, though. And no one but me knows the speech yet, so that should definitelly be well annunciated. In any case I will wait for them to call and only publish this afterwards. They’ll stage it as if I’m calling and disturbing in the middle of the wedding. She has no idea! Below is the speech and the song. For Swedish and Hebrew speakers, you should know that I’m extremely sarcastic when I state what she is for and against. It’s more like the other way around. Anyway, I will write more stuff below the song after the it’s all done.

Hej Annalill!

מה המצב?

Tänkte bara ringa och snacka lite. Det är väl idag som ni typ låtsas att ni gifter er?

זה היום שאתם עושים כאילו חתונה, נכון? האהא – הייתי בחתונה האמיתית. וכל השבדים האלה לא.

Nu är det ju så att på mitt bröllop så utlyste du en tyst minut, om du minns?

זוכרת? שהכרזת על דקה דומייה בחתונה שלי?

REVENGE! MUAHAHAHA!

 

תראי, אני מקווה שאתם באמת באמת מאושרים עד כדי גועל עכשיו. ממש גועל עד כדי כך שהאנשים סביבכם כרגע בשולחן פשוט רוצים להטביע את הראשים המאושרים שלכם ברוטב או לא יודע מה זה הסושי סמושי שאתם אוכלים שם.

 

Jag hoppas verkligen att ni är riktigt äckligt lyckliga. Sådär äckligt lyckliga så att dom runtomkring er vid bordet bara vill dränka era lyckliga fejs i såsen eller vad det nu är för sushi-bjäfs ni smaskar i er där.

 

Vi har så mycket minnen, du och jag, Annalill. Vi blev båda runtsläpade mellan två länder i de mest kritiska åren av våran uppväxt vilket gjorde oss totalt identitetslösa och förvirrade. Vi har mycket gemensamt. Vi är ju båda varma anhängare av Livets Ord och av USA’s Irakkrig, och vi är båda hatiska motståndare mot allt vad gayparader heter.

 

הזכרתי ששנינו הועברנו ממדינה למדינה בשנים הכי קריטיות של גיל הנעורים, מה שהפך את שנינו לחסרי זהות של ממש. בלבול מוחלט. מעבר לכך יש לנו הרבה במשותף. שנינו תומכים נלהבים של המפד”ל ובעד גירוש המוני של בני המיעוטים. שנינו גם כן מתנגדים חריפים לכל מצעדי הגאווה באשר הם.

 

טל – שתדע לך. אתה לוקח כעת אישה שבדית ממשפחה שבדית. אומנם היא שבדית מאוד ישראלית, אבל עדיין שבדית. ואתה לוקח אותה ממשפחתה ומביא אותה לארץ. אני עשיתי את אותו הדבר. אז סתם שתדע – ככה לידע כללי – אני נתתי 20 גמלים לחמי. אז… טוב, החלטה שלך.

 

Ja, om ni undrar så babblade jag bara lite oväsentlig israelisk inrikespolitik och gav Tal lite dåligt samvete för att när jag kom till Sverige och tog en fruga att sticka hem till Israel med så gav jag min svärfar 20 kameler.

 

Anyway… jag ska inte vara långrandig. Det är därför jag köpt en massa kortrandiga pyjamasar. *Hahahaha*. Annalill älskar sådana ordvitsar. Det är precis hennes humor. Ännu roligare tycker hon det är när man direktöversätter uttryck från språk till språk. Som när man säger ”Jag ska visa dig var fisken pissar”, eller ”טל, אתה מלפפון הנשיקות שלי”.

 

רק עכשיו הבנתי שזה נשמע קצת מוזר למי שלא הבין את ההקשר בשבדית… נו טוב, תלמדו.

 

אז תשמעי, אחותי. אני אוהב אותך. אני שמח שמצאת את טל ואני מאחל לכם חיים מאושרים וארוכים ביחד. אני רוצה לקצר במילים, אז את יודעת מה אומרים… תמונה אומרת יותר מאלף מילים. אז הנה תמונה. אה, בעצם אתם לא רואים אותה… היא פה מול השפופרת… זה תמונה של… את ואני… בעצם התמונה הזאת אומרת הרבה פחות מאלף מילים… תעזבי, זה לא הולך. אני אשיר משהו במקום. עכשיו אני כמובן אעשה צחוק מעצמי. לגמרי. כשאני מנסה לשיר אני בד”כ נשמע כמו שילוב של חסידה צרודה ותנשמת מבוהלת. בכל מקרה הנה זה.

 

Ja, den där bilden jag försökte hålla upp mot luren sa inte alls tusen ord. Så jag ska ta och göra bort mig totalt istället genom att sjunga nåt. Jag vill bara varna er att jag brukar låta som en korsning mellan en get och en valross.

My little sister and I

Music –”American Pie” by Don McLean

A long long time ago, I can still remember how that baby used to make me smile
And I knew that if I hugged her tight,
She would think that I’m alright
And maybe I’ll protect her for a while
But every time – she kicked and hit me
I think at one point she even bit me
We loved each other deeply
Hundkalaset was paused completely
I can’t remember if I cried
When I saw her standing as a bride
But something touched me deep inside
The day she married Tal

So my, my little sister and I
She used to bug me, used to hug me, used to make me cry
And today I see she is completely in love
With the man who was sent from above
With the Tal who was sent from above

Every time she ran away
I would scream and make her stay
Because that’s what older brothers do
We’d fly a spaceship to the moon
And then go home to watch cartoons
And always fight a little too
We grew up and moved to Israel
We learned Hebrew together as well
And then I had to analyze
How to protect her from those guys
Because I knew they were as bad as me
So get off my sister, let her be
But for some reason she wanted to be free
Well, at least she married Tal

So my, my…

Now for eight years we’ve been on our own
And finally we’re both fully grown
And you’ve switched country every other year
I remember all the stuff you took
At least you returned my Eagle book
Fast jag tror nog att det finns mer

With a hand under leg we say “godday”
Karate kicks we made up one day
We had that teacher that we could tell
Was a psycho bitch from hell
You’ve got a great husband now (is he sponge worthy?)
We will always be best friends you and me
Even if I’m a mitnachel and you’re a smolani
I’m glad you married Tal

So my my…

This was definitelly a success. A bit weird that I’m just sitting at home talking and singing in the phone not hearing any response, but I got applause in the end and a thankyou from my sister. She said that was the greatest song anyone had ever written for her.😀 If most parts are impossible to understand, it’s mostly because they’re a few pretty internal jokes.

9 comments

  1. It was the highlight of the party! Everyone, especially us in the family, your cousins, aunts and uncles was laughing and laughing. And it was very moving as well. Thank you my beloved son!!!


  2. Thanks, mom!🙂


  3. That is just beautifuls! How lucky is your sister to have a brother such as you and not too scary either… but I have a question…

    … you gave your father-in-law 20 camels??? I now pronounce you den kamel mans


  4. First of all, it’s kameler (“er” being the plural in this case). There’s no “den”. Den means “that” or “it”. Totally unrelated. If you want to say “that camel” it’ll be “den kamelen”, or “those camels” it’ll be “de kamelerna” (“de” pronounced as “dom” – many people write “dom” but it’s gramatically wrong, and google translate will translate “dom” to “judgement” and make a mess of it)
    And by the way, nummer elva is nummer elva. No extra widgets there. Swedish is not like French or Spanish that add those annoying little apostrophes all the time. There are only 3 letters in Swedish that you don’t have in English. å, ä and ö. Easy enough. No weird æ or ø as they have in Danish and Norwegian (although those are actually ä and ö in disguise).

    Swedish lessons aside, yes, I did give him 20 camels. Small wooden ones that you can buy in any souvenir shop in Jerusalem. It was a great wedding joke. I even gave each one an arabic name. Each name starting with Jamaal (which is an arabic name and means camel in arabic).


  5. Du är väldens bästa storebror🙂


  6. Ahhh I did try but google translator failed me terrible, I shall now have to fire its ass back to I don’t know where.

    Yes I know the arabic, I think that is awesome re the camels, it is something that will be remembered and sentimental.

    Your afrikaans word for the day “sommer” …means “it just is”

    It is sommer lekker… it is just amazing/nice/great


  7. Beautiful. Just beautiful. You two are lucky to share such a close bond. (But I am glad I had to read it and not listen to your singing! It sounds like we share the same musical ability!)😉


  8. lol! Yeah. Actually I was told it wasn’t that bad. But maybe they’re just being nice. The good news are my sister just wrote above that I’m the best older brother ever. Yeay!😀 The bad news are that after writing that song, “American Pie” has been stuck in my head for days.
    Maybe I should listen to some muppet show “manah-manah, du-du-du-du-du” to get something else to replace the pie…


  9. Så fint!



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